Well, in that case..............
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death :-O :-/ or we have sex :-/ :-O
After considering briefly :unsure: :unsure: Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge :angry:
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it :-) . Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid b**** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.
Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? :unsure: :whistle: Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and
--"
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! :shutup2: :angry: :angry: Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.
"But why? :'-( :no: :no: " croaked the husband.
"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer :-O :-O !"
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
# Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
# The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
# I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
# For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.
# The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
# Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(
don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
In School today inspector is visiting to see how the class is getting on..
The female teacher asking the class a questions:
- Now folks, in sea, why the Sea Cat has its shape?
Nobody is preparing to answer, only from the last desk behind a boy called Ivancho puts hand up and shalts:
- Me Miss, Me!
The teacher is acting like she doesn't see Ivancho's activity for knowledges and ignores him at all because she knows that he always talks stupid things. But the inspector sees the boy who's acting and says:
-Miss, give this boy his chance to answer the question!
The teacher already discussed and start to sweat because she knows she'll feel uncomfortable after Ivancho's word, but she had to agree on the inspector and said:
-Ok Ivancho, tell me why the Sea Cat has its shape?
-Because the Whale has f***ed it.
-OMG Ivancho, who told you this stupidness?
-Its not stupidness Miss, my dad told me!
-Tomorrow I want you here with your father!!!
And she throw him out of the class...
Ivancho went home and explained what happen to his father..On the next day he went to school with his father to see the teacher.
When they walked in class the teacher started:
-Oh Sir, how is it possible to teach your son such a stupidness, I just don't know what to say..I have no words..
-How do you know that this is stupidness..? Do you know why the Crab has long eyes and walks backwards?
-No
-I know you don't know.. and I will tell you.. Because it saw the Whale f***ed the Sea Cat..!
Brunette tells a Blondy:
-The fuel got expensive again.
-Its not a problem, I fill up for 20£ every time.
***
Two programers are walking down the street, on front of them beautiful lady shows up.
The one:
-Ahhh, bro, check the Properties on this one...
The second answers:
-Leave her, bro, for us she's just Read Only...
***
Theory examination for rounds for drivers. The commissary asking a blondy:
-Describe the work of the engine.
-Can I describe with own words?
-Of course!
-Рррр, рррр, рррр, рррр...
***
Two *** men were coaching in the room and were wondering what to do. Later on one of them offers:
-Come on, lets play on hiding! I will hide, and you will be looking for me. If you find me, I will give you a blowjob.
-What if I don't find you?
-I will be behind the sofa.
***
Ivancho and his family were always talking scums. One day they were invited to a birthday party in a restaurant and they agreed on between no scum talking. As they were sitting on the table flies wore flying around and one fly dropped in Ivancho's plate. He said:
-Duh, what an ass!
He's sister:
-As we're talking ass, who wiped he's ass with my pants!?
The mother:
-Don't ask me, I don't wipe mine.
The father:
Thats why my dick smells like shit...
***
Their first time.
Naked, hugged.
-Let me push it in, Mariike?
-No! Im virgin.
-Just to touch it by, can I?
-You Can!
As they wore hugging each other, it slipped and went in.
-Ay! Why did you pushed it in Ivancho?
-Sorry, should I out it?
-Don't want you to out it, Im asking you why did you in it?
***
-Is Fred at home?
-No. Fred is not here any more... He left our world...
-How he left, did he passed out?
-No, he got connected to Internet.
